Tuesday, February 01, 2011
The Baby Shower
Jen had a wonderful baby shower Saturday. Her friend Meghan and her step-sister Alicia hosted the party at Meghan's house and a good time was had by all. The games were imaginative and so much fun and the food was fantastic! It was so good to see Jen with her friends -- her smile says it all. This is Jen with Meghan:
and this is Jen with Alicia:
There was a 3 tier diaper 'cake' made of newborn diapers and fresh flowers, with baby bottles inside acting as support for the tiers.
The real cake was made of cupcakes:
One of the games was to guess the song title and artist of songs with the word 'baby' in the title. There were 15 songs and we all received a cd of Julianna's Jams as a party favor. Megan had taken a copy of Julianna's ultrasound pictures and photo-shopped earphones on it for the album art. It is soooo cute:
Jen received so many cute gifts for Julianna. The bed of the pickup truck was filled with bags and bags of outfits, a stroller, car seat, etc, that I doubt we could have gotten one more little outfit inside. Stephanie got Julianna a onesie that said "This is my little black dress" and another that was a Sublime (rock band), both were black and cute as a bug. Stephanie had been shopping for months for things to give Jen at the shower and everything she got her was perfect. Jen was glowing as she was surrounded by her best friends and I could see how important those friendships are to her.
Now for my mea maxima culpa ...
I had quit smoking on Wednesday. By Friday, I was a total flaming bitch, lashing out at everyone and everything. I made Stephanie (who had flown in for the shower) cry and I'm pretty sure I totally ruined Jen's weekend. I said things I should not have said and was quick to harp on perceived insults when there were none. I lashed out at Jen for not saying anything supportive about my not smoking -- I accused her of not being supportive when I was the one who should have been being supportive of her.
There is no excuse for my behavior. I was rude, surly, and so pissed off at anything and everything that I was ready to find a flight home. Stephanie told me I was acting like a child.... and she was right. I am embarrassed to say that I was acting like a spoiled little kid who was not getting her way. I was craving cigarettes and realized that this was not the weekend to quit smoking. I was adding to everyone's stress and was not a good house guest. We were staying at Jen's dad's house and I'm sure that Bob was doubly glad that he was no longer married to me after my atrocious behavior.
I had thought initially that being in an environment where it would be difficult to smoke was the way to kick the habit. I learned that this was not the weekend to do so... that I was such a downer and my behavior was embarrassing to my girls and everyone else. I squandered my time with my girls harping and bitching and lashing out instead of the pleasant weekend they had looked forward to and deserved.
I am so sorry that I put them through that. I have so many regrets about what I said and did and how I acted -- I ruined what should have been a joyful trip with my crass behavior.
I started smoking again Friday afternoon but my behavior didn't improve until later that night. Guess it took some time for the nicotine to rise to the level my body and mind craved. Saturday, the day of the shower, was a much better day and I tried to be a kinder, gentler, and thankful person for the rest of the weekend.
I fear I have permanently damaged my relationship with both my girls. I understand why they don't want me around -- I was way out of line and there is no excuse for how I had acted. I am unable to find the words to say to them about how sorry I am.
I hope they can find it in their hearts to eventually forgive me. I know I will not be able to forgive myself and will regret my actions on this trip for the rest of my life.