Tuesday, February 01, 2011

The Baby Shower

Jen had a wonderful baby shower Saturday. Her friend Meghan and her step-sister Alicia hosted the party at Meghan's house and a good time was had by all. The games were imaginative and so much fun and the food was fantastic! It was so good to see Jen with her friends -- her smile says it all. This is Jen with Meghan:

and this is Jen with Alicia:

There was a 3 tier diaper 'cake' made of newborn diapers and fresh flowers, with baby bottles inside acting as support for the tiers.

The real cake was made of cupcakes:

One of the games was to guess the song title and artist of songs with the word 'baby' in the title. There were 15 songs and we all received a cd of Julianna's Jams as a party favor. Megan had taken a copy of Julianna's ultrasound pictures and photo-shopped earphones on it for the album art. It is soooo cute:

Jen received so many cute gifts for Julianna. The bed of the pickup truck was filled with bags and bags of outfits, a stroller, car seat, etc, that I doubt we could have gotten one more little outfit inside. Stephanie got Julianna a onesie that said "This is my little black dress" and another that was a Sublime (rock band), both were black and cute as a bug. Stephanie had been shopping for months for things to give Jen at the shower and everything she got her was perfect. Jen was glowing as she was surrounded by her best friends and I could see how important those friendships are to her.

Now for my mea maxima culpa ...

I had quit smoking on Wednesday. By Friday, I was a total flaming bitch, lashing out at everyone and everything. I made Stephanie (who had flown in for the shower) cry and I'm pretty sure I totally ruined Jen's weekend. I said things I should not have said and was quick to harp on perceived insults when there were none. I lashed out at Jen for not saying anything supportive about my not smoking -- I accused her of not being supportive when I was the one who should have been being supportive of her.

There is no excuse for my behavior. I was rude, surly, and so pissed off at anything and everything that I was ready to find a flight home. Stephanie told me I was acting like a child.... and she was right. I am embarrassed to say that I was acting like a spoiled little kid who was not getting her way. I was craving cigarettes and realized that this was not the weekend to quit smoking. I was adding to everyone's stress and was not a good house guest. We were staying at Jen's dad's house and I'm sure that Bob was doubly glad that he was no longer married to me after my atrocious behavior.

I had thought initially that being in an environment where it would be difficult to smoke was the way to kick the habit. I learned that this was not the weekend to do so... that I was such a downer and my behavior was embarrassing to my girls and everyone else. I squandered my time with my girls harping and bitching and lashing out instead of the pleasant weekend they had looked forward to and deserved.

I am so sorry that I put them through that. I have so many regrets about what I said and did and how I acted -- I ruined what should have been a joyful trip with my crass behavior.

I started smoking again Friday afternoon but my behavior didn't improve until later that night. Guess it took some time for the nicotine to rise to the level my body and mind craved. Saturday, the day of the shower, was a much better day and I tried to be a kinder, gentler, and thankful person for the rest of the weekend.

I fear I have permanently damaged my relationship with both my girls. I understand why they don't want me around -- I was way out of line and there is no excuse for how I had acted. I am unable to find the words to say to them about how sorry I am.

I hope they can find it in their hearts to eventually forgive me. I know I will not be able to forgive myself and will regret my actions on this trip for the rest of my life.


  1. LoudounLib5:13 PM

    Oh ((( Suz )))

    and hugs for Jen and Steph too.

    This, too, shall pass. You and your girls have such love for one another, and that will conquer all.

    ps -- Jen looks beautiful!! Love all the pics you posted here...

  2. Suzanne, my heart goes out to you and the girls right now! I'm so sorry this happened. You're a wonderful, utterly wonderful person, and I'll bet you've raised daughters kind and strong enough to realize that bitchiness due to withdrawal is nothing to destroy lifelong relationships over.

    My mom did a lot of hurtful things that weren't her fault or choice, too, and I lashed out at her. But we laugh about all that drama now. Things can't always be perfect, we all do stupid things. Having the grace and the goodness to recognize when we've done wrong goes a long way toward repairing the damage. You'll all be okay.

    Love, hugs, and hope!

  3. Suzanne, you are a wonderful person who picked the wrong time to try to do a very difficult task. I hope your girls read this in the spirit of forgiveness, because I know from your tales that when you get to BITCH mode, it can be scary.

    But I want to also tell you that I am VERY supportive of your quitting smoking. It's not easy, and you've slipped back, but I know you'll try again soon and succeed. Your strategy was right but your tactics this time clearly sucked.

    And if/when your girls read this, I really hope they'll see your contrition is real. It tears me up (and makes me tear up!) to read that your relationship with them may be so badly damaged.

    I hope to hear that your family has moved past this. Best wishes, and great support to you for putting this out there.

    Your friend,

  4. Suz what Teddy said in spades my friend. We all do and say things that we latter regret and it takes a lot of courage to put your apology on your blog...
    I sure do support you in trying to quit smoking, it is a tough thing to quit!!